Funny (in the not funny way) how "okay" I was feeling this morning and how different I feel right now. I did mostly the same things today that I do every other day of the week. Well, not really, I didn't work today. That tends to consume most of my days on the days I do work it keeps my mind off of whatever my mind wants to obsess about. It's the same thing every weekend, I cannot wait to break this cycle. I guess I could also say that I went to see that new therapist today which is also different from the other days of the week. But now I am sitting here feeling rather blah! I feel tears in the the back of my head like they want to come out, but they won't. I don't even know exactly why they are there or where it is coming from exactly. I took two extremely long walks after I went to see the therapist and spent time in between reading and commenting in the depression thread of reddit trying to help other people feel less alone and maybe cheer myself up a little by being there for another. But the fog slowly started to roll in and consume my mind. Nothing seemed to help, and now here I am feeling lonely again longing for someone to connect with. I need to get out, but what do you do by yourself where you can connect with others? Especially if you have social anxiety of sorts (In general I don't have a problem talking to strangers when I have a purpose, like at work. But walking into any other social setting just for the simple idea of socializing. That's a totally different story. I don't have any friends to go out with and do things. The only people I really want to talk to, I just can't. They are either not there for me, not near by or just flat out cannot handle it. Ugh!
Okay, onto other subjects. As far as the new therapist goes, I feel it went well. There was one point that she talked a little too much, but other than that I liked her and have already scheduled another appointment. I did take some time to talk about why things didn't work out with the other therapist and what my expectations were. She actually took it quite well and thanked me for sharing it with her. I also shared with her how I felt guilty about ditching the other therapist and she made it clear that if I didn't feel that things were working with her she would not at all take it personally and would even help to recommend a new therapist that might work for me. I really liked that. I just felt like she was more organized and more focused and like we could possibly get somewhere. I realize it was only one visit, but I am optimistic about it.
I guess that is really all I wanted to talk about. I don't really want to get into the other stuff on my mind only because I am attempting to hold it back a little at the moment. I really don't want to bring the sad level up anymore than it already is. I will say, having written this has helped a little. It may not last (well, I know it won't), but we have to enjoy these moments as we have them right?
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