And the Rough Day Goes On

The depression was really seeping in today. It just seemed to get worse and worse no matter what I did. Now I am looking forward to bed, so I can forget for a while. I would go to bed right now, but I will wake even earlier if I do. Have to try to stay up till at least 9, so that I can hopefully sleep till 5. I took three separate walks today to try to calm things down, I even kept myself semi-busy except for the times I would stare at the wall and not be able to get myself going. Spent way too much time on the computer. I even finally talked to her via text after two days of hearing nothing from her, which made me feel better for a bit, but it's just lingering. I don't know if it's the lack of sleep, the fact that I am thinking too much or what it is, but it's driving my crazy. And no matter what I do, I still feel so alone. I reach out and I reach out, but there is no one there to take my hand. No one wants to take me on, I am always there for everyone else. I am everyone's rock and when I need help, I can't get the people I need on board. The only ones who are there for me are people that can't even help themselves and I am afraid they will suck out the energy I have left. I go to therapy, I exercise, I try to talk to people and put myself out there, I continue seeking and trying to make positive changes in my life, I am not even a drinker with the exception of the occasional beer and I even cut that out to keep for aggravating the depression. And yet here I am, still miserable. I just don't know what to do. Luckily writing this out is helping a little right now, but I know it won't last. I know if I just continue on the path something good will come from it (I hope), but it all feels so hopeless right now. The world feels so heavy and draining. The only thing worth being on this earth for is human connections and I am lacking those these days.