Better Today.. So Far

As the title suggests, I am feeling better today. Twas quite the funk I was feeling yesterday, I actually felt it lift a little just before bed and I recall the exact (well near to) moment it did. As I had mentioned previously I was feeling lonely so I decided to go on reddit and read through the depression threads to feel a little less alone and maybe just relate to someone else for a little while. I always read through them and start thinking, Oh, you don't have it that bad. Quit your moaning. But I do realize that we each feel things in our own way, what is normal to one person may not be normal to another. What truly affects one may affect another quite differently. So I try not to minimize my feelings and I see many others on there doing exactly that too. So I spent some time reading and responding to some of these posts and I think it was the second one I responded to that I started to feel that funk lift. I keep analyzing it and thinking well....

• It was nearly bedtime and maybe it was just your mind excited to finally go to sleep
• You knew you had work tomorrow and that you were going to be able to distract a little more
• She had told you that she was going to send you an e-mail (I have yet to read because I am afraid it will ruin my mood).
• The whole reason you were in the funk was just because you were over tired anyway

Ha ha! Yep, another little taste of the stupid shit I do to myself and it is nearly impossible to stop it unless I completely distract myself which I find extremely difficult. I do however look back and know that the reason I felt better was because I was talking about it. Because I was connecting to another who was feeling alone as well. Because it was helping them cope with what they were going through. That connection, the human connection, what I am starting to realize more and more, that is what I long for. I know I need work, work on myself, but this connection I speak of is all that I can really see that life is truly all about. It's not about having things and working and paying bills and just barely scraping by. In the end, it is these relationships that make us whole. Wow, I am rambling now. I truly mean what I am saying, yet although I feel this way. I find it difficult to make friends, I have expectations in a relationship regardless of its definition and I rarely find what it is I am looking for in that relationship. I want to relate to others and I find it hard to relate to any in my current community.

I even slept rather well last night. I actually woke to my alarm clock, first time in a while. Of course it is on a day that I have to work (FML! j/k). I had a vivid dream, I only actually remember one part. I dreamt of a woman I used to be in love with when I was still married (Nothing ever happened between us btw, my feelings for her were never discussed. Was only fantasizing). Seems I was at her house, like I had stayed the night or something. She was getting ready for work, seems she was in her bra and underwear. She was in the bathroom looking in the mirror doing something and I approached her from behind wrapped my arms around her and kissed her shoulder saying something like I loved her. She instantly shrugged away from me and said something like, Please don't do that, I don't like all that lovey dovey crap.. I recall when I woke being very disturbed by all of that, and actually thinking of the woman I am currently in love with. Feeling like she is pushing me away too, like I am bugging her by still trying to communicate with her and loving her. Weird, the way dreams make you feel. Make you feel like there is some deep inner meaning, when it's really only your brain processing all the over analyzed shit that has been going on with you.

Ah! Fuck all that, what I was trying to say is that I was feeling better and I still am. I am in hopes it stays this way. Usually I find the work week carries me through, but I hope it won't be long before it's just this way all the time. I fear my analytical mind will get in the way again. We shall see.