An Impasse?

Not sure what is going on here. I feel like I am at some sort of impasse in my life, yet I have felt this way before. I am always in the back of my head thinking, This is is. This is the moment the everything changes and your future is set before you. Finally the key to happiness has unlocked this burdensome door blocking your path and you can start living your life. It seems that is never the case, so it is hard to accept that this might be what is happening.

I finally wrote to her. I know I have been vague on the subject but it has been a very painful, hard part of my life right now. I have spent so much time talking and writing about it, it is hard to put much effort into it here. And really it comes down to the fact that there is nothing I can do about it. It is what it is, and I am powerless (not a feeling I am comfortable with by the way). My letter to her was short. I just mainly let her know that I loved her and that I would be here for her if she needed me. That I won't be communicating with her unless she contacts me, so as to give her the space she needs to really focus on herself and get the help she so desperately needs. I can't say with enough emphasis how much I truly HOPE she gets that help. I tried so hard to help and realized finally that I just could not. It's so hard when you see someone in so much pain and the answers look so clear to you. I only wish those answers were as clear when it came to that of my own problems That said, I know that needs to be my focus now; My problems.

I am still spending much time on various forums talking about depression and trying to be there to listen and support others. It is sometimes difficult when you have such a strong, caring and compassionate heart. It has really been helping me get through some of these deeply dark feelings I have been having. I just sometimes feel like it isn't enough, like I can't really emphasize through these postings and replies how much I truly care about these, well, strangers. It hurts my heart to see people in such pain, but it does make me feel good when they thank me and hopefully feel a little less alone. I actually have a little guilt over that believe it or not. Like I am only doing this to make myself feel better, and maybe that is true. Looking at it from a different perspective I see that initially I do it out of love for my fellow humans, but the end result of feeling like I made a difference in someones life is what keeps me going. I think that is good. Then there is the thought and feeling that I wish I could say something and been there for everyone of them, but I just don't have the time or the stamina. I feel for all of them, even the ones with what appears to be the least to say. Then there are the thoughts of how I feel like I am repeating myself, like my replies aren't genuine or unique enough to each individual. I want them to feel important, like I am specifically replying to them and saying something I have said to know one else so they truly feel unique and cared about. But often times, it is the same message I just want to get across to everyone That is that they are heard, that I care and they are not alone. Amazing the things I/we beat ourselves up over, isn't it?

Funny thing is, I am feeling okay. Not happy, still sad but not particularly sad. I guess a little blah, but it kinda scares the shit outta me right now. Will this last? When will it get to the happy part? Am I on the road to shutting off again? Am I just distracting myself and when I do decide to face things again will the pain be ten-fold? I don't know, I wish I had the answers right now. As I said in the beginning I feel I am at an impasse right now, like I am doing something important. Like this time in my life right now will shape what life I have left. I only hope it is for the better. I hope that I figure it out soon. I feel like there isn't much life left in me and that I have already wasted so much time. I just want to start living and not look back for once.