Rough Day

Yesterday wasn't so bad, I actually felt like I was productive and had a decent day. But today... Just having a rough day today.. I woke very early this morning, 3:30am to be exact. Had a really tough time getting back to sleep. So many things on my mind, the prominent one being a woman who I am madly in love with. She and I have been struggling to keep something together, or at least I have. I mean, I think she would be sad.. But if I walked away, I think she would have an easier time than I. But how do I really know? It just feels that way. Only because I feel as if I am the one who has put most of the effort into any semblance of anything we have right now. Which isn't much I might add, what we have that is. It's not really her fault either, she has struggles in her own mind that I cannot understand. These thoughts consumed me for sometime this morning until I decided to distract myself with other things like exercise. I went for a long walk and listened to podcasts. The Mental Illness Happy Hour, if you haven't listened I recommend checking it out. I don't identify with having mental illness, but I have been depressed for a time now and this has been helping. Unfortunately I do still feel very alone. Kinda funny considering that one of their catch phrases is, "you are not alone". But I suppose in some ways, I do feel a little less alone when I listen. I can relate to a lot of the things that are discussed on there, but I still have yet to hear my story.. Something I can truly relate to in more ways than a few here and there. I don't want to feel so alone anymore.

As I sit here and continue to write, I start to think, why would anyone want to read this? All I am doing is complaining and talking about poor me. Then I try to remember that this is partly what it is all about, but I still want to share. I guess I want someone to listen, to care and to truly understand what all this means. Some insight would be awesome too. Yet, I feel like I really already have the answers, I just can't seem to do much about it. I just wish that my heart and my mind could get along, they are so disconnected from one another. Just had to throw this out here, as the day progresses I find it harder and harder to write and keep my train of thought.