Connection Concerns

Just keep feeling like I should be writing something here. I haven't been for a while now, but it doesn't mean I haven't been writing. I have actually had my spirits lift a little over the past week due to making connections with other women who I have been avidly writing to. One in particular. She scares me a little to be perfectly honest, I think because she is so much like me in so many ways. She is needy, passionate, smart, loving, sweet and beautiful. I am drawn to her, but so many fears run through my mind. Fears of getting hurt again, fears of what ideas I have about what this means or could mean just being fantasies I have developed in my head and the list goes on. Then on the other side of things, there is another woman who I find great as well. The relationship hasn't progressed quite as far, but I already sense she is smitten with me. And I quite like her positive attitude, the things she has to say and she is equally attractive to me. Ugh! I don't know what to do with it. I would never want to hurt either one, but I feel like I was burnt. So I want to leave my options open and they both seem so great. Such a rant, maybe I needed to come here sooner. On top of all of this, there are two others I am also interested in, but I have kind left them be. I cannot juggle this much. Don't get me wrong, I haven't invested in any of them, nor have I given any of them the impression they are the only ones and that I am aiming for. This is all very early stages and really I have nothing to feel bad about nor be ashamed of. Honestly I am just not that type of person, but it leaves me concerned and needing to say something. Funny, I didn't even feel like I had anything to write when I started, and here I am still writing.

Will it ever be possible for me not to worry, over-analyze or over-think any situation in my life? When will I start living in the moment and enjoy what is in front of me? And although a lot of the deep dark feelings over the last one are still slowly fading, when will I stop wishing to have her back or be a part of my life? The hope I used to have, just weeks ago, has subsided significantly but I still think of her and miss her so much.

Love! Stupid!

I don't mean it. But it needed to be said.

That is my rant for today, and I'm sticking to it...........

An Impasse?

Not sure what is going on here. I feel like I am at some sort of impasse in my life, yet I have felt this way before. I am always in the back of my head thinking, This is is. This is the moment the everything changes and your future is set before you. Finally the key to happiness has unlocked this burdensome door blocking your path and you can start living your life. It seems that is never the case, so it is hard to accept that this might be what is happening.

I finally wrote to her. I know I have been vague on the subject but it has been a very painful, hard part of my life right now. I have spent so much time talking and writing about it, it is hard to put much effort into it here. And really it comes down to the fact that there is nothing I can do about it. It is what it is, and I am powerless (not a feeling I am comfortable with by the way). My letter to her was short. I just mainly let her know that I loved her and that I would be here for her if she needed me. That I won't be communicating with her unless she contacts me, so as to give her the space she needs to really focus on herself and get the help she so desperately needs. I can't say with enough emphasis how much I truly HOPE she gets that help. I tried so hard to help and realized finally that I just could not. It's so hard when you see someone in so much pain and the answers look so clear to you. I only wish those answers were as clear when it came to that of my own problems That said, I know that needs to be my focus now; My problems.

I am still spending much time on various forums talking about depression and trying to be there to listen and support others. It is sometimes difficult when you have such a strong, caring and compassionate heart. It has really been helping me get through some of these deeply dark feelings I have been having. I just sometimes feel like it isn't enough, like I can't really emphasize through these postings and replies how much I truly care about these, well, strangers. It hurts my heart to see people in such pain, but it does make me feel good when they thank me and hopefully feel a little less alone. I actually have a little guilt over that believe it or not. Like I am only doing this to make myself feel better, and maybe that is true. Looking at it from a different perspective I see that initially I do it out of love for my fellow humans, but the end result of feeling like I made a difference in someones life is what keeps me going. I think that is good. Then there is the thought and feeling that I wish I could say something and been there for everyone of them, but I just don't have the time or the stamina. I feel for all of them, even the ones with what appears to be the least to say. Then there are the thoughts of how I feel like I am repeating myself, like my replies aren't genuine or unique enough to each individual. I want them to feel important, like I am specifically replying to them and saying something I have said to know one else so they truly feel unique and cared about. But often times, it is the same message I just want to get across to everyone That is that they are heard, that I care and they are not alone. Amazing the things I/we beat ourselves up over, isn't it?

Funny thing is, I am feeling okay. Not happy, still sad but not particularly sad. I guess a little blah, but it kinda scares the shit outta me right now. Will this last? When will it get to the happy part? Am I on the road to shutting off again? Am I just distracting myself and when I do decide to face things again will the pain be ten-fold? I don't know, I wish I had the answers right now. As I said in the beginning I feel I am at an impasse right now, like I am doing something important. Like this time in my life right now will shape what life I have left. I only hope it is for the better. I hope that I figure it out soon. I feel like there isn't much life left in me and that I have already wasted so much time. I just want to start living and not look back for once.

A Happy Moment in all this Sadness

Wow! That was awesome and powerful. What you ask?

I tend to take walks with my brother every now and then and this was one of the few mornings we got another chance to do so. I should preface this with the fact that my brother and I have always been somewhat close or at least as close as we can be. But he tends to be the more shut off emotionally type, I guess I shouldn't say shut off; Just doesn't really talk about things. We have been through a lot together, but the biggest thing was the loss of our parents who passed within approx. 5 years of each other (I am not good with dates and times), and most recently the loss of our favorite Aunt who was always the life of any family get-together and helped keep the family together along with my parents. Since she passed, we hadn't really talked until this morning. The visit started with a hug and discussion of this Aunt, but it led into a long discussion about our parents and all the bullshit that came after our mother passed. It felt so good to talk about these things. When we were saying our goodbyes, I made a point of telling my brother how great it was to talk about these things and how much it meant to me that he took the time to come out and walk with me. The tears started to well up and we hugged again. It was a good happy feeling at the end and I felt compelled to share it. I have had a lot of difficulty crying, so even tearing up is a big deal for me. It felt great and I love my brother so much for making me feel that way.

Therapy and my Weekend Blues

Funny (in the not funny way) how "okay" I was feeling this morning and how different I feel right now. I did mostly the same things today that I do every other day of the week. Well, not really, I didn't work today. That tends to consume most of my days on the days I do work it keeps my mind off of whatever my mind wants to obsess about. It's the same thing every weekend, I cannot wait to break this cycle. I guess I could also say that I went to see that new therapist today which is also different from the other days of the week. But now I am sitting here feeling rather blah! I feel tears in the the back of my head like they want to come out, but they won't. I don't even know exactly why they are there or where it is coming from exactly. I took two extremely long walks after I went to see the therapist and spent time in between reading and commenting in the depression thread of reddit trying to help other people feel less alone and maybe cheer myself up a little by being there for another. But the fog slowly started to roll in and consume my mind. Nothing seemed to help, and now here I am feeling lonely again longing for someone to connect with. I need to get out, but what do you do by yourself where you can connect with others? Especially if you have social anxiety of sorts (In general I don't have a problem talking to strangers when I have a purpose, like at work. But walking into any other social setting just for the simple idea of socializing. That's a totally different story. I don't have any friends to go out with and do things. The only people I really want to talk to, I just can't. They are either not there for me, not near by or just flat out cannot handle it. Ugh!

Okay, onto other subjects. As far as the new therapist goes, I feel it went well. There was one point that she talked a little too much, but other than that I liked her and have already scheduled another appointment. I did take some time to talk about why things didn't work out with the other therapist and what my expectations were. She actually took it quite well and thanked me for sharing it with her. I also shared with her how I felt guilty about ditching the other therapist and she made it clear that if I didn't feel that things were working with her she would not at all take it personally and would even help to recommend a new therapist that might work for me. I really liked that. I just felt like she was more organized and more focused and like we could possibly get somewhere. I realize it was only one visit, but I am optimistic about it.

I guess that is really all I wanted to talk about. I don't really want to get into the other stuff on my mind only because I am attempting to hold it back a little at the moment. I really don't want to bring the sad level up anymore than it already is. I will say, having written this has helped a little. It may not last (well, I know it won't), but we have to enjoy these moments as we have them right?

Scared

I'm a little scared today and have been for the past couple of days. Why? Well because I have been feeling okay. I have made some great connections with people over the past few days via the inter-web, but I fear it will go away and disappear and I will again feel alone. I fear that I am only concentrating on these new connections and setting my other problems aside and letting them fester. But at the same time, what a relief it is to not feel so down for once. I still have yet to deal with HER and the letter she wrote, but maybe I don't need to. Deep down inside I feel I do. I am also scared today because I am going to meet the new therapist. i hate the idea of having to establish things all over again, but I really need to get this all right finally. I really need to deal with me. I am taking this all very seriously for the first time in my life. But I fear that because I am feeling okay right now that I won't have much to go over and it is the first visit. I don't know, but I was thinking at the very least to maybe let her know what my expectations of a therapist are and to try and give her a quick overview of my life and where I am at now, just so she has somewhere to start. But she's a professional right? She should be able to guide me to where I need to go. If you are a good therapist, you should be able to find the threads you need to pull on and direct the conversation accordingly. Ah, we shall see. I am okay today, just scared. Here's to feeling okay!! :) At least I have that.

Connecting with others and my Fears

I have been sitting on reddit's depression thread all morning reading and commenting on people's posts. I feel for these people so much, it seems to really be distracting me from my own issues. It is amazing how much I can care for people I don't even know just by hearing them reach out and talk about their feelings. I have found myself doing it a lot over the past couple of days and now I am sitting here feeling... Okay. Not good, not great, not, depressed, a little sad, but just okay. It is good to have this relief for a while. I am just fearful now. This is what the analytical brain is thinking...

• I am afraid that by distracting from my own issues that when I come back to them they will be even deeper and more painful.
• I fear that I am starting to misunderstand the things I am going through by trying to relate so much to others stories.
• I am afraid that I will start to empathize so much with others that I will start feeling pain for them. Obviously brought on by my deep feeling heart.
• But I think my biggest fear is that I am doing the same thing I seem to do in every relationship I have ever been in, friendship or otherwise, and that is trying to fix things.

I say this last fear as being the biggest fear because that seems to be what truly makes me feel better, finding something broken and being able to fix it. Even though I realize that commenting on these people's posts aren't fixing them, somewhere in the back of my head, I know that I wouldn't give up trying to help if they kept reaching out. It's as if I seem to be attracted to these type of people (and I am talking about "in real life" here, because I obviously sought out the broken and down by going to that sub-reddit). I don't even try to, but it seems to happen. Like they are following me or something (No, no, I am not paranoid. Just a metaphor of sorts. Wait.. Am I using that word right?). It's just been feeling good to reach out to others and hopefully make their days a little brighter. When I got home last night, I had seven messages in my reddit in-box. It was all these people responding to my replies and thanking me and telling me how much it meant to them that someone listened and cared. It put a genuine smile on my face, I haven't had one of those in a while. It's just another reminder of why I have this idea that connecting with people is what will eventually lead to true joy in my life. But I have another list of fears when it comes to that idea...

• Will I ever be able to truly connect to another?
• Will they be there for me when I need them, like I am for them?
• Will they love me as much as I love them?
• Can I trust that what I am feeling is real or am I just over analyzing these feelings and making them into something they are not?
• Can I keep up with these relationships? I have had a past history of having a difficult time keeping in touch with those I cared about, and then eventually feeling like they didn't care because they never called either so in some cases I would give up.
• I never have any true expectations, but I seem to sexualize every woman I meet (and I tend to only want to be around and talk to women because I don't relate to most men much at all. At least the ones I have met). Even the ones I am not attracted to, I think about weather or not I could get with her. I know deep down I don't see them that way, but I can't help that always being my first though and it bothers me. I have never been with a woman I didn't have some sort of feelings for. Correction, there was one. I tried to have feelings for her, but when I realized I didn't I broke it off. Always having to explain myself... That became a long fear... 
• I am sure there are more, but the train of thought left the station after that last one.

This is where I am at today. I am trying and still hanging in there. I am going to see a new therapist on Friday who will hopefully give me different perspective on everything and be able to help me focus on what I need to deal with. And then there is "her". I still miss her, and can't bring myself to read through the letter she sent again. I feel I need to respond, but what's the point. Oh there is so much to say about all that, not going to get into it right now. Right now, I am feeling better, I am going to try and embrace it for a while. 

So much for getting better :(

Sitting here writing this one I am thinking, If you are reading this right now, RUN... It only gets worse. I don't really know what would make someone continue to follow my story. Seems no one really is anyhow. Oh poor me. As I had mentioned before I feel slightly narcissistic that I want to know people are looking at this and reading this, I want to hear from them and know their thoughts. Still nothing really and it has only been a couple of days. Why does it bother me so much? Is it that I am feeling so alone? Again, it shouldn't matter. One of the biggest reasons I am doing this is for me. Because writing and letting it out is therapeutic, because I need to tell someone even if it is no one.

Yeah my day started off okay yesterday, but it just got worse and worse. Kinda leveled off a little and started to get a little better and then BOOM! Off the cliff it went. What started it going bad in the first place? I am not exactly sure, it may have started with irritation over something with my work, but it just progressed and what started out as an irritation with work turned into and irritation with myself and all my thoughts and all the things that have got me down right now. What really topped it off was a letter from HER, she spoke of letting me go and it hurts so bad. Not as bad as I thought it would, only because it doesn't feel much different than it has been for sometime. But the words and everything she wrote, although still loving, painful to read. I don't even know what to say and I am so damn sad right now. The person I feel I need more than anyone right now cannot be there for me, and it sucks. Feels like the story of my life. All the people I need the most disappear. Whoa! Maybe I have abandonment issues. That thought has never really occurred to me. Fuck I don't know. I can't write anymore right now. I feel the darkness seeping in and I need to take a walk.

Better Today.. So Far

As the title suggests, I am feeling better today. Twas quite the funk I was feeling yesterday, I actually felt it lift a little just before bed and I recall the exact (well near to) moment it did. As I had mentioned previously I was feeling lonely so I decided to go on reddit and read through the depression threads to feel a little less alone and maybe just relate to someone else for a little while. I always read through them and start thinking, Oh, you don't have it that bad. Quit your moaning. But I do realize that we each feel things in our own way, what is normal to one person may not be normal to another. What truly affects one may affect another quite differently. So I try not to minimize my feelings and I see many others on there doing exactly that too. So I spent some time reading and responding to some of these posts and I think it was the second one I responded to that I started to feel that funk lift. I keep analyzing it and thinking well....

• It was nearly bedtime and maybe it was just your mind excited to finally go to sleep
• You knew you had work tomorrow and that you were going to be able to distract a little more
• She had told you that she was going to send you an e-mail (I have yet to read because I am afraid it will ruin my mood).
• The whole reason you were in the funk was just because you were over tired anyway

Ha ha! Yep, another little taste of the stupid shit I do to myself and it is nearly impossible to stop it unless I completely distract myself which I find extremely difficult. I do however look back and know that the reason I felt better was because I was talking about it. Because I was connecting to another who was feeling alone as well. Because it was helping them cope with what they were going through. That connection, the human connection, what I am starting to realize more and more, that is what I long for. I know I need work, work on myself, but this connection I speak of is all that I can really see that life is truly all about. It's not about having things and working and paying bills and just barely scraping by. In the end, it is these relationships that make us whole. Wow, I am rambling now. I truly mean what I am saying, yet although I feel this way. I find it difficult to make friends, I have expectations in a relationship regardless of its definition and I rarely find what it is I am looking for in that relationship. I want to relate to others and I find it hard to relate to any in my current community.

I even slept rather well last night. I actually woke to my alarm clock, first time in a while. Of course it is on a day that I have to work (FML! j/k). I had a vivid dream, I only actually remember one part. I dreamt of a woman I used to be in love with when I was still married (Nothing ever happened between us btw, my feelings for her were never discussed. Was only fantasizing). Seems I was at her house, like I had stayed the night or something. She was getting ready for work, seems she was in her bra and underwear. She was in the bathroom looking in the mirror doing something and I approached her from behind wrapped my arms around her and kissed her shoulder saying something like I loved her. She instantly shrugged away from me and said something like, Please don't do that, I don't like all that lovey dovey crap.. I recall when I woke being very disturbed by all of that, and actually thinking of the woman I am currently in love with. Feeling like she is pushing me away too, like I am bugging her by still trying to communicate with her and loving her. Weird, the way dreams make you feel. Make you feel like there is some deep inner meaning, when it's really only your brain processing all the over analyzed shit that has been going on with you.

Ah! Fuck all that, what I was trying to say is that I was feeling better and I still am. I am in hopes it stays this way. Usually I find the work week carries me through, but I hope it won't be long before it's just this way all the time. I fear my analytical mind will get in the way again. We shall see.

And the Rough Day Goes On

The depression was really seeping in today. It just seemed to get worse and worse no matter what I did. Now I am looking forward to bed, so I can forget for a while. I would go to bed right now, but I will wake even earlier if I do. Have to try to stay up till at least 9, so that I can hopefully sleep till 5. I took three separate walks today to try to calm things down, I even kept myself semi-busy except for the times I would stare at the wall and not be able to get myself going. Spent way too much time on the computer. I even finally talked to her via text after two days of hearing nothing from her, which made me feel better for a bit, but it's just lingering. I don't know if it's the lack of sleep, the fact that I am thinking too much or what it is, but it's driving my crazy. And no matter what I do, I still feel so alone. I reach out and I reach out, but there is no one there to take my hand. No one wants to take me on, I am always there for everyone else. I am everyone's rock and when I need help, I can't get the people I need on board. The only ones who are there for me are people that can't even help themselves and I am afraid they will suck out the energy I have left. I go to therapy, I exercise, I try to talk to people and put myself out there, I continue seeking and trying to make positive changes in my life, I am not even a drinker with the exception of the occasional beer and I even cut that out to keep for aggravating the depression. And yet here I am, still miserable. I just don't know what to do. Luckily writing this out is helping a little right now, but I know it won't last. I know if I just continue on the path something good will come from it (I hope), but it all feels so hopeless right now. The world feels so heavy and draining. The only thing worth being on this earth for is human connections and I am lacking those these days.

Rough Day

Yesterday wasn't so bad, I actually felt like I was productive and had a decent day. But today... Just having a rough day today.. I woke very early this morning, 3:30am to be exact. Had a really tough time getting back to sleep. So many things on my mind, the prominent one being a woman who I am madly in love with. She and I have been struggling to keep something together, or at least I have. I mean, I think she would be sad.. But if I walked away, I think she would have an easier time than I. But how do I really know? It just feels that way. Only because I feel as if I am the one who has put most of the effort into any semblance of anything we have right now. Which isn't much I might add, what we have that is. It's not really her fault either, she has struggles in her own mind that I cannot understand. These thoughts consumed me for sometime this morning until I decided to distract myself with other things like exercise. I went for a long walk and listened to podcasts. The Mental Illness Happy Hour, if you haven't listened I recommend checking it out. I don't identify with having mental illness, but I have been depressed for a time now and this has been helping. Unfortunately I do still feel very alone. Kinda funny considering that one of their catch phrases is, "you are not alone". But I suppose in some ways, I do feel a little less alone when I listen. I can relate to a lot of the things that are discussed on there, but I still have yet to hear my story.. Something I can truly relate to in more ways than a few here and there. I don't want to feel so alone anymore.

As I sit here and continue to write, I start to think, why would anyone want to read this? All I am doing is complaining and talking about poor me. Then I try to remember that this is partly what it is all about, but I still want to share. I guess I want someone to listen, to care and to truly understand what all this means. Some insight would be awesome too. Yet, I feel like I really already have the answers, I just can't seem to do much about it. I just wish that my heart and my mind could get along, they are so disconnected from one another. Just had to throw this out here, as the day progresses I find it harder and harder to write and keep my train of thought.

Working My Blog

I have been sitting here for about an hour since my first post here trying to figure all of this out. Trying the customization options and so forth. Here are some of the thoughts entering my brain as I am working on it...

•  It has to be perfect
• Why won't this page thing work for me?
• When I am trying to post a picture behind the title, why won't it let me re-size it?
• Who's gonna read this anyway?
• If they do read it, will they even care?
• What I already have 6 views? Is that just me who viewed it or are other people really looking?
• Ugh! What did they think about it? They didn't post anything. Why?
• Of course it's not like I have posted much of anything interesting as of yet.
• Why am I so hard on myself?
• This was supposed to be for me, why am I so worried about everyone else?
• Oh, maybe this wasn't just for me.. Maybe I am actually a narcissist deep down inside.

So, yeah... There's a quick window to my mind. And this was over something rather inconsequential. Can you imagine what happens when it is over more serious issues?

In The Beginning

Wow! Here I am finally sitting down and writing this. I have been thinking about posting some sort of blog for a time now. I think ultimately this is for me, but I very much want to share my thoughts with others. I can't help but have some feelings that some of this might relate to others. Or rather, I hope that is the case. I have yet to meet someone who truly thinks the way I do. And really I think it is silly that I would think someone might considering each and everyone of us are all truly unique. With our own set of experiences and how we view things. But there just has to be someone out there that can relate or at the very least come close to having my story. So here I am. Partly to share my story and thoughts for the purpose of getting them off my chest and partly to connect with others. At least this is my hope...

The title of the blog actually says a lot about me. I over analyze everything. Even when there is nothing to analyze, I will. It haunts me. And lately it has become more intolerable. Things have changed drastically in my life over the past year, and this has caused me to re-evaluate who I am. I have found myself in a depression that I can't quite shake and questioning my decisions and other things more than ever. My mind cannot stay focused on one thing for too long, it will always come back to it, but it gets lost in an overload of thoughts and emotions. One thought leading to another, to another and so on. I thought that maybe writing some of it down, at least the parts I can remember might help. I truly don't know. I don't know what I am doing or where I am going right now, but I felt this might help so here I am.

The truth is, I am lonely. I am lost. I just want to be loved, needed and heard. We all do, don't we? I guess I will see where this takes me.......