Better Today.. So Far

As the title suggests, I am feeling better today. Twas quite the funk I was feeling yesterday, I actually felt it lift a little just before bed and I recall the exact (well near to) moment it did. As I had mentioned previously I was feeling lonely so I decided to go on reddit and read through the depression threads to feel a little less alone and maybe just relate to someone else for a little while. I always read through them and start thinking, Oh, you don't have it that bad. Quit your moaning. But I do realize that we each feel things in our own way, what is normal to one person may not be normal to another. What truly affects one may affect another quite differently. So I try not to minimize my feelings and I see many others on there doing exactly that too. So I spent some time reading and responding to some of these posts and I think it was the second one I responded to that I started to feel that funk lift. I keep analyzing it and thinking well....

• It was nearly bedtime and maybe it was just your mind excited to finally go to sleep
• You knew you had work tomorrow and that you were going to be able to distract a little more
• She had told you that she was going to send you an e-mail (I have yet to read because I am afraid it will ruin my mood).
• The whole reason you were in the funk was just because you were over tired anyway

Ha ha! Yep, another little taste of the stupid shit I do to myself and it is nearly impossible to stop it unless I completely distract myself which I find extremely difficult. I do however look back and know that the reason I felt better was because I was talking about it. Because I was connecting to another who was feeling alone as well. Because it was helping them cope with what they were going through. That connection, the human connection, what I am starting to realize more and more, that is what I long for. I know I need work, work on myself, but this connection I speak of is all that I can really see that life is truly all about. It's not about having things and working and paying bills and just barely scraping by. In the end, it is these relationships that make us whole. Wow, I am rambling now. I truly mean what I am saying, yet although I feel this way. I find it difficult to make friends, I have expectations in a relationship regardless of its definition and I rarely find what it is I am looking for in that relationship. I want to relate to others and I find it hard to relate to any in my current community.

I even slept rather well last night. I actually woke to my alarm clock, first time in a while. Of course it is on a day that I have to work (FML! j/k). I had a vivid dream, I only actually remember one part. I dreamt of a woman I used to be in love with when I was still married (Nothing ever happened between us btw, my feelings for her were never discussed. Was only fantasizing). Seems I was at her house, like I had stayed the night or something. She was getting ready for work, seems she was in her bra and underwear. She was in the bathroom looking in the mirror doing something and I approached her from behind wrapped my arms around her and kissed her shoulder saying something like I loved her. She instantly shrugged away from me and said something like, Please don't do that, I don't like all that lovey dovey crap.. I recall when I woke being very disturbed by all of that, and actually thinking of the woman I am currently in love with. Feeling like she is pushing me away too, like I am bugging her by still trying to communicate with her and loving her. Weird, the way dreams make you feel. Make you feel like there is some deep inner meaning, when it's really only your brain processing all the over analyzed shit that has been going on with you.

Ah! Fuck all that, what I was trying to say is that I was feeling better and I still am. I am in hopes it stays this way. Usually I find the work week carries me through, but I hope it won't be long before it's just this way all the time. I fear my analytical mind will get in the way again. We shall see.

And the Rough Day Goes On

The depression was really seeping in today. It just seemed to get worse and worse no matter what I did. Now I am looking forward to bed, so I can forget for a while. I would go to bed right now, but I will wake even earlier if I do. Have to try to stay up till at least 9, so that I can hopefully sleep till 5. I took three separate walks today to try to calm things down, I even kept myself semi-busy except for the times I would stare at the wall and not be able to get myself going. Spent way too much time on the computer. I even finally talked to her via text after two days of hearing nothing from her, which made me feel better for a bit, but it's just lingering. I don't know if it's the lack of sleep, the fact that I am thinking too much or what it is, but it's driving my crazy. And no matter what I do, I still feel so alone. I reach out and I reach out, but there is no one there to take my hand. No one wants to take me on, I am always there for everyone else. I am everyone's rock and when I need help, I can't get the people I need on board. The only ones who are there for me are people that can't even help themselves and I am afraid they will suck out the energy I have left. I go to therapy, I exercise, I try to talk to people and put myself out there, I continue seeking and trying to make positive changes in my life, I am not even a drinker with the exception of the occasional beer and I even cut that out to keep for aggravating the depression. And yet here I am, still miserable. I just don't know what to do. Luckily writing this out is helping a little right now, but I know it won't last. I know if I just continue on the path something good will come from it (I hope), but it all feels so hopeless right now. The world feels so heavy and draining. The only thing worth being on this earth for is human connections and I am lacking those these days.

Rough Day

Yesterday wasn't so bad, I actually felt like I was productive and had a decent day. But today... Just having a rough day today.. I woke very early this morning, 3:30am to be exact. Had a really tough time getting back to sleep. So many things on my mind, the prominent one being a woman who I am madly in love with. She and I have been struggling to keep something together, or at least I have. I mean, I think she would be sad.. But if I walked away, I think she would have an easier time than I. But how do I really know? It just feels that way. Only because I feel as if I am the one who has put most of the effort into any semblance of anything we have right now. Which isn't much I might add, what we have that is. It's not really her fault either, she has struggles in her own mind that I cannot understand. These thoughts consumed me for sometime this morning until I decided to distract myself with other things like exercise. I went for a long walk and listened to podcasts. The Mental Illness Happy Hour, if you haven't listened I recommend checking it out. I don't identify with having mental illness, but I have been depressed for a time now and this has been helping. Unfortunately I do still feel very alone. Kinda funny considering that one of their catch phrases is, "you are not alone". But I suppose in some ways, I do feel a little less alone when I listen. I can relate to a lot of the things that are discussed on there, but I still have yet to hear my story.. Something I can truly relate to in more ways than a few here and there. I don't want to feel so alone anymore.

As I sit here and continue to write, I start to think, why would anyone want to read this? All I am doing is complaining and talking about poor me. Then I try to remember that this is partly what it is all about, but I still want to share. I guess I want someone to listen, to care and to truly understand what all this means. Some insight would be awesome too. Yet, I feel like I really already have the answers, I just can't seem to do much about it. I just wish that my heart and my mind could get along, they are so disconnected from one another. Just had to throw this out here, as the day progresses I find it harder and harder to write and keep my train of thought.

Working My Blog

I have been sitting here for about an hour since my first post here trying to figure all of this out. Trying the customization options and so forth. Here are some of the thoughts entering my brain as I am working on it...

•  It has to be perfect
• Why won't this page thing work for me?
• When I am trying to post a picture behind the title, why won't it let me re-size it?
• Who's gonna read this anyway?
• If they do read it, will they even care?
• What I already have 6 views? Is that just me who viewed it or are other people really looking?
• Ugh! What did they think about it? They didn't post anything. Why?
• Of course it's not like I have posted much of anything interesting as of yet.
• Why am I so hard on myself?
• This was supposed to be for me, why am I so worried about everyone else?
• Oh, maybe this wasn't just for me.. Maybe I am actually a narcissist deep down inside.

So, yeah... There's a quick window to my mind. And this was over something rather inconsequential. Can you imagine what happens when it is over more serious issues?

In The Beginning

Wow! Here I am finally sitting down and writing this. I have been thinking about posting some sort of blog for a time now. I think ultimately this is for me, but I very much want to share my thoughts with others. I can't help but have some feelings that some of this might relate to others. Or rather, I hope that is the case. I have yet to meet someone who truly thinks the way I do. And really I think it is silly that I would think someone might considering each and everyone of us are all truly unique. With our own set of experiences and how we view things. But there just has to be someone out there that can relate or at the very least come close to having my story. So here I am. Partly to share my story and thoughts for the purpose of getting them off my chest and partly to connect with others. At least this is my hope...

The title of the blog actually says a lot about me. I over analyze everything. Even when there is nothing to analyze, I will. It haunts me. And lately it has become more intolerable. Things have changed drastically in my life over the past year, and this has caused me to re-evaluate who I am. I have found myself in a depression that I can't quite shake and questioning my decisions and other things more than ever. My mind cannot stay focused on one thing for too long, it will always come back to it, but it gets lost in an overload of thoughts and emotions. One thought leading to another, to another and so on. I thought that maybe writing some of it down, at least the parts I can remember might help. I truly don't know. I don't know what I am doing or where I am going right now, but I felt this might help so here I am.

The truth is, I am lonely. I am lost. I just want to be loved, needed and heard. We all do, don't we? I guess I will see where this takes me.......