Just keep feeling like I should be writing something here. I haven't been for a while now, but it doesn't mean I haven't been writing. I have actually had my spirits lift a little over the past week due to making connections with other women who I have been avidly writing to. One in particular. She scares me a little to be perfectly honest, I think because she is so much like me in so many ways. She is needy, passionate, smart, loving, sweet and beautiful. I am drawn to her, but so many fears run through my mind. Fears of getting hurt again, fears of what ideas I have about what this means or could mean just being fantasies I have developed in my head and the list goes on. Then on the other side of things, there is another woman who I find great as well. The relationship hasn't progressed quite as far, but I already sense she is smitten with me. And I quite like her positive attitude, the things she has to say and she is equally attractive to me. Ugh! I don't know what to do with it. I would never want to hurt either one, but I feel like I was burnt. So I want to leave my options open and they both seem so great. Such a rant, maybe I needed to come here sooner. On top of all of this, there are two others I am also interested in, but I have kind left them be. I cannot juggle this much. Don't get me wrong, I haven't invested in any of them, nor have I given any of them the impression they are the only ones and that I am aiming for. This is all very early stages and really I have nothing to feel bad about nor be ashamed of. Honestly I am just not that type of person, but it leaves me concerned and needing to say something. Funny, I didn't even feel like I had anything to write when I started, and here I am still writing.
Will it ever be possible for me not to worry, over-analyze or over-think any situation in my life? When will I start living in the moment and enjoy what is in front of me? And although a lot of the deep dark feelings over the last one are still slowly fading, when will I stop wishing to have her back or be a part of my life? The hope I used to have, just weeks ago, has subsided significantly but I still think of her and miss her so much.
Love! Stupid!
I don't mean it. But it needed to be said.
That is my rant for today, and I'm sticking to it...........
Friday, February 22, 2013
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
An Impasse?
Not sure what is going on here. I feel like I am at some sort of impasse in my life, yet I have felt this way before. I am always in the back of my head thinking, This is is. This is the moment the everything changes and your future is set before you. Finally the key to happiness has unlocked this burdensome door blocking your path and you can start living your life. It seems that is never the case, so it is hard to accept that this might be what is happening.
I finally wrote to her. I know I have been vague on the subject but it has been a very painful, hard part of my life right now. I have spent so much time talking and writing about it, it is hard to put much effort into it here. And really it comes down to the fact that there is nothing I can do about it. It is what it is, and I am powerless (not a feeling I am comfortable with by the way). My letter to her was short. I just mainly let her know that I loved her and that I would be here for her if she needed me. That I won't be communicating with her unless she contacts me, so as to give her the space she needs to really focus on herself and get the help she so desperately needs. I can't say with enough emphasis how much I truly HOPE she gets that help. I tried so hard to help and realized finally that I just could not. It's so hard when you see someone in so much pain and the answers look so clear to you. I only wish those answers were as clear when it came to that of my own problems That said, I know that needs to be my focus now; My problems.
I am still spending much time on various forums talking about depression and trying to be there to listen and support others. It is sometimes difficult when you have such a strong, caring and compassionate heart. It has really been helping me get through some of these deeply dark feelings I have been having. I just sometimes feel like it isn't enough, like I can't really emphasize through these postings and replies how much I truly care about these, well, strangers. It hurts my heart to see people in such pain, but it does make me feel good when they thank me and hopefully feel a little less alone. I actually have a little guilt over that believe it or not. Like I am only doing this to make myself feel better, and maybe that is true. Looking at it from a different perspective I see that initially I do it out of love for my fellow humans, but the end result of feeling like I made a difference in someones life is what keeps me going. I think that is good. Then there is the thought and feeling that I wish I could say something and been there for everyone of them, but I just don't have the time or the stamina. I feel for all of them, even the ones with what appears to be the least to say. Then there are the thoughts of how I feel like I am repeating myself, like my replies aren't genuine or unique enough to each individual. I want them to feel important, like I am specifically replying to them and saying something I have said to know one else so they truly feel unique and cared about. But often times, it is the same message I just want to get across to everyone That is that they are heard, that I care and they are not alone. Amazing the things I/we beat ourselves up over, isn't it?
Funny thing is, I am feeling okay. Not happy, still sad but not particularly sad. I guess a little blah, but it kinda scares the shit outta me right now. Will this last? When will it get to the happy part? Am I on the road to shutting off again? Am I just distracting myself and when I do decide to face things again will the pain be ten-fold? I don't know, I wish I had the answers right now. As I said in the beginning I feel I am at an impasse right now, like I am doing something important. Like this time in my life right now will shape what life I have left. I only hope it is for the better. I hope that I figure it out soon. I feel like there isn't much life left in me and that I have already wasted so much time. I just want to start living and not look back for once.
I finally wrote to her. I know I have been vague on the subject but it has been a very painful, hard part of my life right now. I have spent so much time talking and writing about it, it is hard to put much effort into it here. And really it comes down to the fact that there is nothing I can do about it. It is what it is, and I am powerless (not a feeling I am comfortable with by the way). My letter to her was short. I just mainly let her know that I loved her and that I would be here for her if she needed me. That I won't be communicating with her unless she contacts me, so as to give her the space she needs to really focus on herself and get the help she so desperately needs. I can't say with enough emphasis how much I truly HOPE she gets that help. I tried so hard to help and realized finally that I just could not. It's so hard when you see someone in so much pain and the answers look so clear to you. I only wish those answers were as clear when it came to that of my own problems That said, I know that needs to be my focus now; My problems.
I am still spending much time on various forums talking about depression and trying to be there to listen and support others. It is sometimes difficult when you have such a strong, caring and compassionate heart. It has really been helping me get through some of these deeply dark feelings I have been having. I just sometimes feel like it isn't enough, like I can't really emphasize through these postings and replies how much I truly care about these, well, strangers. It hurts my heart to see people in such pain, but it does make me feel good when they thank me and hopefully feel a little less alone. I actually have a little guilt over that believe it or not. Like I am only doing this to make myself feel better, and maybe that is true. Looking at it from a different perspective I see that initially I do it out of love for my fellow humans, but the end result of feeling like I made a difference in someones life is what keeps me going. I think that is good. Then there is the thought and feeling that I wish I could say something and been there for everyone of them, but I just don't have the time or the stamina. I feel for all of them, even the ones with what appears to be the least to say. Then there are the thoughts of how I feel like I am repeating myself, like my replies aren't genuine or unique enough to each individual. I want them to feel important, like I am specifically replying to them and saying something I have said to know one else so they truly feel unique and cared about. But often times, it is the same message I just want to get across to everyone That is that they are heard, that I care and they are not alone. Amazing the things I/we beat ourselves up over, isn't it?
Funny thing is, I am feeling okay. Not happy, still sad but not particularly sad. I guess a little blah, but it kinda scares the shit outta me right now. Will this last? When will it get to the happy part? Am I on the road to shutting off again? Am I just distracting myself and when I do decide to face things again will the pain be ten-fold? I don't know, I wish I had the answers right now. As I said in the beginning I feel I am at an impasse right now, like I am doing something important. Like this time in my life right now will shape what life I have left. I only hope it is for the better. I hope that I figure it out soon. I feel like there isn't much life left in me and that I have already wasted so much time. I just want to start living and not look back for once.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
A Happy Moment in all this Sadness
Wow! That was awesome and powerful. What you ask?
I tend to take walks with my brother every now and then and this was one of the few mornings we got another chance to do so. I should preface this with the fact that my brother and I have always been somewhat close or at least as close as we can be. But he tends to be the more shut off emotionally type, I guess I shouldn't say shut off; Just doesn't really talk about things. We have been through a lot together, but the biggest thing was the loss of our parents who passed within approx. 5 years of each other (I am not good with dates and times), and most recently the loss of our favorite Aunt who was always the life of any family get-together and helped keep the family together along with my parents. Since she passed, we hadn't really talked until this morning. The visit started with a hug and discussion of this Aunt, but it led into a long discussion about our parents and all the bullshit that came after our mother passed. It felt so good to talk about these things. When we were saying our goodbyes, I made a point of telling my brother how great it was to talk about these things and how much it meant to me that he took the time to come out and walk with me. The tears started to well up and we hugged again. It was a good happy feeling at the end and I felt compelled to share it. I have had a lot of difficulty crying, so even tearing up is a big deal for me. It felt great and I love my brother so much for making me feel that way.
I tend to take walks with my brother every now and then and this was one of the few mornings we got another chance to do so. I should preface this with the fact that my brother and I have always been somewhat close or at least as close as we can be. But he tends to be the more shut off emotionally type, I guess I shouldn't say shut off; Just doesn't really talk about things. We have been through a lot together, but the biggest thing was the loss of our parents who passed within approx. 5 years of each other (I am not good with dates and times), and most recently the loss of our favorite Aunt who was always the life of any family get-together and helped keep the family together along with my parents. Since she passed, we hadn't really talked until this morning. The visit started with a hug and discussion of this Aunt, but it led into a long discussion about our parents and all the bullshit that came after our mother passed. It felt so good to talk about these things. When we were saying our goodbyes, I made a point of telling my brother how great it was to talk about these things and how much it meant to me that he took the time to come out and walk with me. The tears started to well up and we hugged again. It was a good happy feeling at the end and I felt compelled to share it. I have had a lot of difficulty crying, so even tearing up is a big deal for me. It felt great and I love my brother so much for making me feel that way.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Therapy and my Weekend Blues
Funny (in the not funny way) how "okay" I was feeling this morning and how different I feel right now. I did mostly the same things today that I do every other day of the week. Well, not really, I didn't work today. That tends to consume most of my days on the days I do work it keeps my mind off of whatever my mind wants to obsess about. It's the same thing every weekend, I cannot wait to break this cycle. I guess I could also say that I went to see that new therapist today which is also different from the other days of the week. But now I am sitting here feeling rather blah! I feel tears in the the back of my head like they want to come out, but they won't. I don't even know exactly why they are there or where it is coming from exactly. I took two extremely long walks after I went to see the therapist and spent time in between reading and commenting in the depression thread of reddit trying to help other people feel less alone and maybe cheer myself up a little by being there for another. But the fog slowly started to roll in and consume my mind. Nothing seemed to help, and now here I am feeling lonely again longing for someone to connect with. I need to get out, but what do you do by yourself where you can connect with others? Especially if you have social anxiety of sorts (In general I don't have a problem talking to strangers when I have a purpose, like at work. But walking into any other social setting just for the simple idea of socializing. That's a totally different story. I don't have any friends to go out with and do things. The only people I really want to talk to, I just can't. They are either not there for me, not near by or just flat out cannot handle it. Ugh!
Okay, onto other subjects. As far as the new therapist goes, I feel it went well. There was one point that she talked a little too much, but other than that I liked her and have already scheduled another appointment. I did take some time to talk about why things didn't work out with the other therapist and what my expectations were. She actually took it quite well and thanked me for sharing it with her. I also shared with her how I felt guilty about ditching the other therapist and she made it clear that if I didn't feel that things were working with her she would not at all take it personally and would even help to recommend a new therapist that might work for me. I really liked that. I just felt like she was more organized and more focused and like we could possibly get somewhere. I realize it was only one visit, but I am optimistic about it.
I guess that is really all I wanted to talk about. I don't really want to get into the other stuff on my mind only because I am attempting to hold it back a little at the moment. I really don't want to bring the sad level up anymore than it already is. I will say, having written this has helped a little. It may not last (well, I know it won't), but we have to enjoy these moments as we have them right?
Okay, onto other subjects. As far as the new therapist goes, I feel it went well. There was one point that she talked a little too much, but other than that I liked her and have already scheduled another appointment. I did take some time to talk about why things didn't work out with the other therapist and what my expectations were. She actually took it quite well and thanked me for sharing it with her. I also shared with her how I felt guilty about ditching the other therapist and she made it clear that if I didn't feel that things were working with her she would not at all take it personally and would even help to recommend a new therapist that might work for me. I really liked that. I just felt like she was more organized and more focused and like we could possibly get somewhere. I realize it was only one visit, but I am optimistic about it.
I guess that is really all I wanted to talk about. I don't really want to get into the other stuff on my mind only because I am attempting to hold it back a little at the moment. I really don't want to bring the sad level up anymore than it already is. I will say, having written this has helped a little. It may not last (well, I know it won't), but we have to enjoy these moments as we have them right?
Scared
I'm a little scared today and have been for the past couple of days. Why? Well because I have been feeling okay. I have made some great connections with people over the past few days via the inter-web, but I fear it will go away and disappear and I will again feel alone. I fear that I am only concentrating on these new connections and setting my other problems aside and letting them fester. But at the same time, what a relief it is to not feel so down for once. I still have yet to deal with HER and the letter she wrote, but maybe I don't need to. Deep down inside I feel I do. I am also scared today because I am going to meet the new therapist. i hate the idea of having to establish things all over again, but I really need to get this all right finally. I really need to deal with me. I am taking this all very seriously for the first time in my life. But I fear that because I am feeling okay right now that I won't have much to go over and it is the first visit. I don't know, but I was thinking at the very least to maybe let her know what my expectations of a therapist are and to try and give her a quick overview of my life and where I am at now, just so she has somewhere to start. But she's a professional right? She should be able to guide me to where I need to go. If you are a good therapist, you should be able to find the threads you need to pull on and direct the conversation accordingly. Ah, we shall see. I am okay today, just scared. Here's to feeling okay!! :) At least I have that.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Connecting with others and my Fears
I have been sitting on reddit's depression thread all morning reading and commenting on people's posts. I feel for these people so much, it seems to really be distracting me from my own issues. It is amazing how much I can care for people I don't even know just by hearing them reach out and talk about their feelings. I have found myself doing it a lot over the past couple of days and now I am sitting here feeling... Okay. Not good, not great, not, depressed, a little sad, but just okay. It is good to have this relief for a while. I am just fearful now. This is what the analytical brain is thinking...
- I am afraid that by distracting from my own issues that when I come back to them they will be even deeper and more painful.
- I fear that I am starting to misunderstand the things I am going through by trying to relate so much to others stories.
- I am afraid that I will start to empathize so much with others that I will start feeling pain for them. Obviously brought on by my deep feeling heart.
- But I think my biggest fear is that I am doing the same thing I seem to do in every relationship I have ever been in, friendship or otherwise, and that is trying to fix things.
- Will I ever be able to truly connect to another?
- Will they be there for me when I need them, like I am for them?
- Will they love me as much as I love them?
- Can I trust that what I am feeling is real or am I just over analyzing these feelings and making them into something they are not?
- Can I keep up with these relationships? I have had a past history of having a difficult time keeping in touch with those I cared about, and then eventually feeling like they didn't care because they never called either so in some cases I would give up.
- I never have any true expectations, but I seem to sexualize every woman I meet (and I tend to only want to be around and talk to women because I don't relate to most men much at all. At least the ones I have met). Even the ones I am not attracted to, I think about weather or not I could get with her. I know deep down I don't see them that way, but I can't help that always being my first though and it bothers me. I have never been with a woman I didn't have some sort of feelings for. Correction, there was one. I tried to have feelings for her, but when I realized I didn't I broke it off. Always having to explain myself... That became a long fear...
- I am sure there are more, but the train of thought left the station after that last one.
Monday, February 4, 2013
So much for getting better :(
Sitting here writing this one I am thinking, If you are reading this right now, RUN... It only gets worse. I don't really know what would make someone continue to follow my story. Seems no one really is anyhow. Oh poor me. As I had mentioned before I feel slightly narcissistic that I want to know people are looking at this and reading this, I want to hear from them and know their thoughts. Still nothing really and it has only been a couple of days. Why does it bother me so much? Is it that I am feeling so alone? Again, it shouldn't matter. One of the biggest reasons I am doing this is for me. Because writing and letting it out is therapeutic, because I need to tell someone even if it is no one.
Yeah my day started off okay yesterday, but it just got worse and worse. Kinda leveled off a little and started to get a little better and then BOOM! Off the cliff it went. What started it going bad in the first place? I am not exactly sure, it may have started with irritation over something with my work, but it just progressed and what started out as an irritation with work turned into and irritation with myself and all my thoughts and all the things that have got me down right now. What really topped it off was a letter from HER, she spoke of letting me go and it hurts so bad. Not as bad as I thought it would, only because it doesn't feel much different than it has been for sometime. But the words and everything she wrote, although still loving, painful to read. I don't even know what to say and I am so damn sad right now. The person I feel I need more than anyone right now cannot be there for me, and it sucks. Feels like the story of my life. All the people I need the most disappear. Whoa! Maybe I have abandonment issues. That thought has never really occurred to me. Fuck I don't know. I can't write anymore right now. I feel the darkness seeping in and I need to take a walk.
Yeah my day started off okay yesterday, but it just got worse and worse. Kinda leveled off a little and started to get a little better and then BOOM! Off the cliff it went. What started it going bad in the first place? I am not exactly sure, it may have started with irritation over something with my work, but it just progressed and what started out as an irritation with work turned into and irritation with myself and all my thoughts and all the things that have got me down right now. What really topped it off was a letter from HER, she spoke of letting me go and it hurts so bad. Not as bad as I thought it would, only because it doesn't feel much different than it has been for sometime. But the words and everything she wrote, although still loving, painful to read. I don't even know what to say and I am so damn sad right now. The person I feel I need more than anyone right now cannot be there for me, and it sucks. Feels like the story of my life. All the people I need the most disappear. Whoa! Maybe I have abandonment issues. That thought has never really occurred to me. Fuck I don't know. I can't write anymore right now. I feel the darkness seeping in and I need to take a walk.
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